My story…

It seems to be baby season lately. Lots of friends either with the baby bean(s) still in their tummy or just being born which has got me thinking about when I  was pregnant and the emotions and the stress of books and society that I went through. I haven’t spoken about it because I have been fearful in being tied to a stake and being thrown with holy water but because I made a promise to myself a few days back to be brave at least once a day I have now found the courage to tell my story and knowing that there are mother’s out there that have been through the same thing brings me some comfort, even though not everyone voices it, I know that they have, and maybe still are.

8 April 2009: Took a home pregnancy test {the longest 3 minutes of my life} and it was positive. My world stopped. My heart stopped. Everything stopped. I cried so hard and for so long, there was NO WAY I was ready for this. NO WAY. I have always loved children and always wanted a child of my own but not now. I cried for the rest of the day and for days after that. What also made me incredibly sad was that I knew that I would never experience the whole ‘leapt into her partners arms with tears of joy’ – this wasn’t joy, this was fear.

*Soul-baring moment* the fear was brought on by my past. The past that 4 years earlier I had experienced the same thing. I was pregnant before. I never went through with the pregnancy – there was no way that with my then wild, unbridled life that I could bring a child into the world, I had been taking drugs then, a lot of drugs and I knew that I must have caused damage and in a very blurred moment that little life was gone and I never thought about it again until I fell pregnant with Phoenix.

11th April 2009: My first scan. Again, I was not overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of her, it was magical and breathtaking but numbing at the same time. This is it. There is no turning back.

And so the days just melted into each other, the restless nights became longer. I ached to feel something, I yearned to feel like I was going to be a mother. I was overridden with guilt and complete devastation at never thinking about my “4 years earlier”…

…then I felt her move inside me for the first time, It was right at that moment where everything was going to be ok, don’t get me wrong, my fear and unknowing didn’t just vanish but it was a moment of comfort and of warmth. It was a moment that I knew that after the fear it would be ok… and I started loving being pregnant and it helped that I looked too damn cute! 😉

6 November 2009: The morning of my c-section. All I could think of was “where the hell is my ‘this is going to be ok‘ moment” – I was absolutely terrified. I wanted to run away. I didn’t want to be here. Where were my pink balloons and warm heart? Where was my ‘beautiful birth’ story? Why was I feeling like this? So many thoughts, not enough emotion. The books didn’t tell me this! The movies don’t show this!

I went into theatre with tears and a heavy heart. I was awake the whole time and when the doctors told me to laugh or cough {for the muscles to contract} I felt that I was drowning in panic. Then she didn’t cry … I COULDN’T HEAR HER CRY!!! Again my world stopped until I heard her screaming … relief filled the empty space in my heart! They put her to my chest and I searched deep down inside myself for that ‘love at first site’ feeling but it wasn’t there! I knew I loved her – there was not even a fraction of doubt about that but I never had that teary-eyed, sweaty brow moment “What the fuck is happening here! why am I feeling so many different emotions towards her” is what I screamed at the nurse, who grabbed my hand and just gently stroked my head and told me that it didn’t matter – I must just hold her and look at her.

I looked. I saw. I knew.

It took me awhile to really .. REALLY connect with this new part of me. I struggled the first few months to find my feet, I struggled with the fact that I had a life that I was responsible for. I felt guilty for wanting to be in the shower for 3 minutes longer, for not always picking her up, for not always playing with her like the stories say that you will {or should} do, but you know what … that is fine. So if there are any new mother’s reading this and sensing a resemblance… just know that it IS ok! You will get over that hurdle, you just need to allow yourself to get over it.

And here we are, almost 3 years later and I am completely smitten with this child! Even though she drives me bonkers sometimes, I wouldn’t have it any other way. She is my heart walking around outside my body. I spend every possibly minute with her, getting to know her, touching her, seeing life through her eyes. She was born to teach me I think, not the other way around.

I look at the pictures of the day she was born and I battle to come to terms with how I felt at the time because of the overpowering love I have for her now – especially this picture … there is deep love there, that’s for sure, even if I didn’t know it then!

Phoenix was not the only one to be born that day!


One thought on “My story…

  1. I feel like as though I could reach out and touch every raw nerve you’ve exposed here… what is clear is the moment captured in a single frame….

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