I find myself constantly recalling what I like to call my ‘past’ life where it was all about ‘drugs and rock ‘n roll‘ I know that more people than I can count on my one hand have been down the beaten path so it should not be a scandal that I too found myself flying down this road on a magical, drugged up carpet both surrounded by people and on more than one occasion alone which is probably the saddest part of the story. There were times when I loved that life, I loved not being in control of my mind for a few hours, I loved feeling the music pulse through every single fiber of my being, I loved feeling colours wrap around my hand, I loved seeing trees morph into weird and wonderful creatures … I was Dorothy in the land of Oz!
Everyone assumes drugs are all about escapism but they weren’t in my case. I am and always have been loved by the people around me (even when I was a stroppy 16 year old teenager), so what would I need to escape from? They were there to make my life more vivid, at least for a while. They accelerated and accentuated my feelings of ecstatic giddiness, until they stopped doing that – they stopped being something I just enjoyed, they became something I had to have.
In many ways I wish I hadn’t ever found drugs, of course I do, I’m not insane. I prefer waking up in the morning with a clear memory of the night before. I prefer waking up in the morning and finding that if I do have a clear memory of what happened, that I’m not paralysed with shame and regret. I simply prefer waking up in the morning. One of the turning points for me was realising that taking drugs seriously reduced the chances of any of these three things happening. The other was my overnight stay in a government facility – don’t think I need to elaborate on that.
I have been clean for 3 1/2 years today! Yay for me!
I certainly don’t miss that life, I can still close my eyes and allow the music to pulse through my body all by itself and honestly, that is better than anything a drug could have given me. I am not ashamed of that life though, I never stole family heirlooms, ransacked a friends house or wandered the streets of Hillbrow looking for my next hit – it was ‘clean’ – I know the word clean is a hypercritical one but it was, we had, it was finished and the night was done until the next weekend.That was it. I learnt lessons. I hit rock bottom. I flew high. I found friends. I lost friends. I lost myself. I found myself.
*extracts from Love Lies by Adele Parks